If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it - Interview with Gabriele Firnthrat

In keeping with the motto "If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it (Beyoncé)", this month we're looking into why so many women have to wait years for someone to propose to them and whether it's even appropriate for HIM to propose. We spoke to psychologist Gabriele Firnthrat, who has been working with (married) couples for 33 years, about the topic.

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Why are people afraid of lifelong commitment?

Firnthrat: The era of globalization and change poses great challenges for us humans in many areas. Many things are being questioned, many are looking for new models to deal with them, and marriage, as the smallest building block of our society, is also being subjected to a search for new concepts. Just like the question of the best way to raise children, the question of whether to marry or not to marry has also become a very sensitive one.

What is the point of being married?

Firnthrat: I hear this question from many couples in my work as a psychologist. If the old, romantic tradition or belief is not to be maintained or economic reasons are more important, more and more couples are looking for the true meaning behind this step. It has probably become more a question of meaning than actual fear of lifelong commitment.

What prevents people from committing?

Firnthrat: It's like the lottery - anything is possible! And that in two ways. Many couples think that whether a marriage works out or not is like winning the lottery. We all know the latest demographic data. It shows that the number of marriages per 1,000 inhabitants in the EU 28 has been declining in recent decades, while the number of divorces has increased. The motives for being able to win the lottery are certainly very different, but fear of commitment is certainly part of the reason for these developments.

Secondly, there are always questions about whether one is emotionally capable of a lifelong commitment. Connections from past experiences, unsuitable role models from the parental home and personal insecurities prevent many people from taking the risk of making such a final decision. In my experience, the idea that I could get a divorce anyway is actually rarely represented. Often the real motives for entering into a marriage are shaped by personal shortcomings and deficits, such as not being able to be alone, and prevent the focus from being placed on developing the ability to love in the partnership.

Does the question of marriage proposal have a lasting effect on the relationship?

Firnthrat: The question of whether and how a marriage proposal affects the relationship within the marriage is difficult to answer in a general and generally valid way. Every couple has their own individual story, their own personal course of the relationship and this basically determines whether it is more appropriate for the man to ask the decisive question or for the woman to take the "reins".

Let's think for a moment about the scene from the film "Runaway Bride": After the woman had conquered her fears, became confident and could no longer expect the question from her beloved partner, she proposes marriage in a touching way and it fits perfectly for this story. But this cannot be a universal recipe. The marriage proposal arises from the couple's history and it can be consistent either way. The lasting effect depends on whether the couple allows the right thing to happen or not.

What experiences do you have when working with couples?

Firnthrat: In these generations, people's realization lies deep in the search for their own identity. Defining oneself through one's partner is simply out and can no longer be lived smoothly. And yet the longing for a partnership is greater than ever. As if it is innate in us!

Nowadays, personal freedom, one's own identity, shared exploration and discovery are to be shared, and everyone would do well to sense in their partnership what is appropriate, what is authentic and what is loving. Then there will possibly be more shared life models than the traditional marriage, but also more harmonious, more original marriage proposals and also more genuine marriages.

Gabriele Firnthrat has been working as a psychologist in Mödling for 33 years. Thank you very much for the interview!